Three Tips to Bring Romance Back Into Your Marriage
Help For Those Who Feel They Are Unromantic
The following article is a continuation of Learning How to Be Romantic Again which helps identify the problem of not being romantic.
Romantic Tip #1: Call to Say “I Love You”
If you are the notoriously unromantic type, my guess is that you don’t take time out of your day to call your spouse and tell him or her “I love you.”
In fact, you probably don’t call your spouse at all during the day unless you are trying to figure out whose job it is to pick up the kids after school or cook dinner that night.>
If that’s the case, simply taking a couple minutes out of your day to call your spouse and say “I love you” can start to make a difference in your relationship.
Simply call your spouse and say, “I just called to say I love you, and I’m thinking of you. I look forward to seeing you tonight.”
Instead of a phone call you could also send an email, or a text message. The entire phone call or message might be one or two sentences—literally 45 seconds to a minute in duration.
For variety, you could also offer a compliment, or say something flirtatious. If there has been a breach in your relationship, though, and your physical relationship is “on hold,” you probably want to avoid the flirtatious messages until your relationship is repaired.
Calling your spouse during the day can have a major impact on your relationship for one important reason: It shows you’re thinking of her during the day, even when she isn’t with you. That means she gets the feeling that she is an important part of your life even when you aren’t together.
Making your spouse aware that you are thinking about her some time during your day, is a wonderful way to show how much you care. And that’s what romance is all about, taking the time to do something special to make it clear to your spouse that you truly care for him or her.
What easier way to do that than calling during the day and saying, “I love you.?”
Obviously, you don’t want to do this in a routine way. Don’t call and tell your spouse you love him or her at the same time every day like a robot. And don’t call 10 times a day; otherwise, you will diminish the meaning of the gesture.
Instead, make an effort to call your spouse every once in a while, when you are at work. Make this a heart felt expression of your feelings for your spouse, not some chore that you have to get through during the day.
When your spouse pops into your mind, pick up the phone and let him or her know.
This might sound too simple but trust me it can make a difference.
Romantic Tip # 2: Leave a Love Note.
Another wonderfully romantic thing you can do for your spouse is leave him or her a love note. One that contains an expression of love, caring, compliments, or flirtation.
Sometimes you can hide it in a place where you know your spouse will discover it some time during the day. This will depend on his or her routine, but some ideas might include leaving it in a lunch bag, sticking it in the fridge on the milk, putting it on the steering wheel or dashboard, leaving it sticking out of her purse, or putting it on his briefcase.
The note can be as simple or complex as you wish. It can be something as simple as “I love you,” or “I look forward to seeing you tonight” or something complex like a poem. You could write your own words, or you could share some words that you find in a book or online. Greeting card websites are good places to find text or go read some greeting cards at a store.
Whatever the case, this note should be an authentic expression of the way you feel about your spouse. It should be a way for you to share the tender feelings you have for your spouse, so you can improve the connection the two of your share.
In my experience most people respond well to the surprise nature of leaving it somewhere to be found. However, some people object saying, “If you want me to know how you feel, tell me to my face.”
Be sensitive to how your spouse responds and adapt your behavior accordingly.
In addition to the words of affection, compliments, or flirtation you express in the note, the knowledge that you spent your time and energy on it is a powerful expression of your feelings in and of itself.
Romantic Tip # 3: A Flower and a Card
Giving your spouse flowers is one of the most traditional romantic moves you can make. In fact, some unromantic types even think it’s a bit cliché.
But I bet your spouse won’t see it that way.
Sending your spouse flowers doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot of money or do anything super fancy.
Keep it simple. Buy or pick one or two flowers. Tie some ribbon around them, or get a simple, inexpensive vase. Then attach a little note to the package.
On the note I recommend you tell your spouse what the flowers symbolize. For example, if you picked one flower, your card might read: “We are one together.” Or if you picked two flowers you could say: “Our two hearts come together.”
Again, none of this has to be too fancy. Don’t spend hours pouring over the note and stressing out about the whole thing. You can leave out the note if that’s too much for you right now; but why would you want to deprive your spouse of something that might make him or her feel good about you?
Keep it simple, light, and fun. Just share some of the joy you experience when you think about your spouse. That’s what this is all about. I know for some of you these techniques will seem like work. But think of it this way.
You wouldn’t expect a business to flourish on its own. You can’t expect your marriage to either. You need to put some effort into your relationship to make it all it can be.
The energy you spend letting your spouse know he or she is special to you is the point of this exercise. The time you take is an investment in your relationship. So spend the time and make the effort to reignite that romantic spark.
Being romantic will get easier with time. In fact, I bet you will get to a place where you enjoy being romantic again. I know it may be a little hard to believe right now. But it can happen if you put in the effort and time.
There are some cases where being romantic faces trouble. After an affair, for example, it can sometimes be very difficult to reignite the romantic spark.
But even in these cases, there is a point where romance is appropriate again. When that point comes (and you will know when it is), you can use the ideas above to start reintroducing romance into your relationship.
Many couples maintain romance by flirting with each other. If you are in a relationship that depended on flirting and it is mostly or completely gone, be the brave one and start it up again.
Of course, it’s possible you will probably be met with a disappointing response at first, but once your spouse understands you are really trying to turn your relationship around again his or her response is likely to be positive.
These simple ideas can go a long way to recreating intimacy in your relationship. Use them for all they are worth and see if you can find that romantic person inside of you.
When you do, don’t stop with what is listed here. Get creative. Watch some falling-in-love-movies such as Bed of Roses, Kate and Leopold, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding and get hints from those. Make up ideas of your own if you can. And keep the romance alive for years to come.
Let me know how it goes with you. I’d love to hear about your marriage. Send me an email.
I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage.Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.