I live in Baltimore [Maryland] and I really need a marital counselor. I'm writing you because I heard you're a really good marriage counselor.
Here's the scoop: my wife moved out last month. It appears she worked on this plan for a month or so with no communication with me about her plans.
We have been married for 4 yrs., and a lot has happened in that short time. She admits to issues from her past influencing her actions and states that our relationship was terrible. I have never and will never will be physically abusive nor am I "in your face verbally abusive" (lack of better definition), name calling, or cursing.
That type of behavior never has or will happen. When I ask for definition of what happened, I get things like "you never say anything nice," or "I can never do anything good enough for you," or "Every day you jump on me about something I did wrong or not good enough".
When I ask for explanations they are vague and often incorrect. I agreed that I was not a pleasant person the past few months because I caught her telling me half-truths and being deceitful. Her married children been sticking nose in our business/causing friction.
Complicating matters, another adult child, who has a very dysfunctional household, has tried to drive a wedge between us for a long time. This child does not like me because I have stood my ground and will no longer let this child set rules/influence in our household.
There is a very long story with a lot of other influences in the situation, such as attempts to harm herself, toxic mother-in-law, abusive previous husband, daughter creating friction and drama, daughter jealous of our relationship, and my wife will not stand up and tell them so.
-Hurting in Baltimore
Thank you for the compliment and let me begin with a clarification. Yes, my name shows up when you search for marital counselor in Baltimore, Maryland. People often refer to me as a marriage counselor, which I am not. I am a licensed psychologist and I offer marital counselor services.
As a psychologist, most of my practice involves providing marital counseling at my office in Pikesville, Maryland, which is in metropolitan Baltimore.
Regarding your situation, I have to make assumptions based on other couples I've worked with since your wife's thoughts, feelings and behaviors are presented only from your point of view.
There are obviously many things even you don't know because your wife has not been truthful or complete in her communications to you. I would suspect that she has been thinking herself out of your relationship for quite some time.
Once she began to register complaints about you to her children, she probably had a built-in cheering squad. She could easily have found comfort in presenting herself as your victim, regardless of the truth about your relationship.
Frequently, the reason given for marital quality deteriorating is that one or both spouses stopped feeling "special" in the relationship. Although your description of your wife's behaviors could easily fit someone who has at least begun the early steps toward infidelity, this does not mean that she has.
Nevertheless, your marital relationship is seriously in danger, and might be beyond help:
- Can you get away together, away from other influences, and figure out if you can re-ignite the spark?
- Can you begin to be the best spouse you can be and give her loving attention without making a doormat of yourself?
- Can you afford to begin intensive marital counseling?
Answering these questions for yourself will give you a better idea of the hopefulness of your marital situation.
There is a story of a man who fixed his marriage single-handedly, all on his own. It might not help in your situation but it can give you an idea of possibilities: Fix an Unhappy Marriage.
My best wishes to you in developing a wonderful life and a wonderful marriage.
If you want to work with me, I offer marriage counseling or marriage retreats in Maryland, to couples from all over the world. I am intentionally out-of-network for all insurance plans. My fees are based on $260 per hour, with a 45 minute session costing $195. I also have self-help programs available.