Heal Your Relationship: Working to Repair Love That is Lost

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Dear Dr. Gunzburg

How do I get my wife to fall back in love with me? My wife left 3 years ago, we started talking and she said she was going to come back but still never did because she says what if my love does not come back and she can't seem to forgive me for past things that happened, we have been together for 15 years and have 4 kids together, she seems to lie about things. Please help us.
Thank you!

-Bringing Wife Back in Canada

Dear Bringing Wife Back,

First, you have to accept that she may not come back to you. One or both of you may not be willing to do the repair work to heal your relationship. Second, you have established for yourself that she lies. So you have to take whatever she says with a grain of salt. You said her actions do not fit what she says about returning to you. Even if she returns to you, you cannot trust she will stay or be faithful based on her history with you.

When a spouse leaves because she is not "in love" anymore, it is often because there is built-up resentment, which your wife told you openly in your case. If you do get together, you still have to work out your relationship, and process her anger. You have to hear and accept what you did (or continue to do) that made her angry. You have to authentically accept ownership of your bad behavior (if it is true) and fully understand how it hurt her and without defending yourself.

Some couples can do this on their own just knowing the path to take. Others can do it with more detailed self-help guidance, such as in my paid self-help programs. Still others need individualized treatment. If you are in the group needing individualized work, you will need to work with a psychologist or other mental-health professional who works with marriages.

My best wishes to you during this difficult time,

If you want to work with me, I offer marriage counseling or marriage retreats in Maryland, to couples from all over the world. I am intentionally out-of-network for all insurance plans. My fees are based on $260 per hour, with a 45 minute session costing $195. I also have self-help programs available.

Tags: rebuild the love, forgive, lying, resentment