Better Than Arguing
Better to Debate and Discuss Calmly Than To Argue With Anger
Arguing is one way for a couple to attempt to resolve a disagreement. Arguments can range from a mildly contentious exchange of ideas to an explosive personal trashing of one or both of the participants.
Ideally, arguments would be more like debating two sides of an issue. Each person would present his idea with its backing or rationale, and the other person would demonstrate an understanding of that idea and then would present his idea with its backing or rationale.
The first person then demonstrates his understanding, and then gives further information, and so forth until either one agrees with the other, or they agree to disagree, or they find some middle ground that leaves each of them equally satisfied or equally dissatisfied.
Arguments Usually Become Anger In Marriage
It is unfortunate that all too often arguments become all out battles. These turn into marriage anger, which is unhealthy for marriages.
At times, if you feel you are stuck in a marriage that has become one argument after another, it may seem like this awful pattern is permanent. This does not have to be true.
Good Marriages Require Maturity and Relationship Skills
You already learned some relationship skills while you were dating. Those were skills that may have gotten you noticed, and then gotten you into short-term relationships.
There were additional skills that many of you learned when you started longer-term relationships.
Once you marry, there are still more skills to learn and more maturity you have to come to terms with. Many people learn those married-relationship skills, and many don't. For example, I'm sure you know at least one married person who still acts single.
Children Require Even More Communication Skills
If you have children, there are even more relationship skills to learn and more maturity to develop. The need for more relationship skills and more maturation continues throughout marriage because there are newer and different situations to overcome in order to maintain a wonderful marriage in the long-run.
Maturation includes sometimes putting your own wants and needs on hold for the good of your spouse and children, or for the overall good of your family.
If you look at our country, you will find a divorce rate of about 50%. Obviously, there is a large group of people who are not keeping up with the skills and the maturation required to maintain a healthy marriage.
Many people are under the mistaken impression that if the marriage is "work" then it's a mistake to be married to that person.
You can work on your relationship by learning communication skills to save your marriage. You can. The skills to repair your relationship problems are learnable, and maturation typically comes with learning the skills of long-term marriage.
Ultimately, arguing is fine, when it is done gently or civilly (think more of a discussion or a debate), but arguing with anger, or anger in general, often turns into serious couples problems.
These skills are learnable. I teach them every day to individuals and couples who come to me for relationship help. If you want to work with me directly, please contact me.
I wish you all the best in your efforts to create a marriage that is better than it ever was, and wonderful in all the ways you are willing to work toward.